I hate to start my post with a cliché, but it has been way to long since I've posted. I guess working between 50 and 60 hours a week will do that to my posting motivation.
Spring has sprung, which means more sunlight to beat down my seasonal affective disorder. School is almost done, which means I'll have 2 months of minimized stress. And, today was the first day of the local farmers' market (huzzah!).
So why am I feeling down? (Don't worry, I'm not about to get emo on you, ... just maybe a little personal)
In December, only three days after Christmas and two days after announcing the news to our parents, I had a miscarriage. Boo. I was devastated, even angry (that's the grief cycle for ya). Then someone in my family got pregnant, and I was terribly confused. Boo again. At this point, I was sad, angry, bitter, confused, and just plain exhausted from trying to navigate all these emotions, plus from the physical toll of everything.
One night, I reached my limit, and I finally broke down. I sobbed, shaking and crying, and called out to my Healer Jesus. He answered, and although I woke up the next morning with really swollen eyes, I felt a sense of peace. Still sad? Yes, but definitely more peaceful.
Now it's spring, and animals everywhere are procreating like mad. I have two friends who are currently at the point in their pregnancies that I would have been. I see their growing bellies, and look down at my flat stomach, and I feel a sort of emptiness. I guess that's why it is called the grief cycle... sometimes you find yourself back where you were before. And I don't really have anyone around here I can talk to about it. So it gnaws at me.
I'm not irretrievably depressed. I am still happy and full of His Joy. I guess I'm still waiting to figure out what the point of it was.
Comments (1)
Hello Ms. Danielle,
You made your site so simple yet elegant. I see that you have your ups and downs. We all do! That’s the kind of world that we live in now. Fortunately, it isn’t going to stay this way much longer!
I want to help people to really get to know Jehovah God and His plans for us, especially in these troubled times. 18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. (Isaiah 48:18) (NIV)